The Warrior Princess

So I hit the 6 month mark and was hit with the anxiety of my decision to sign up for another year living in the Middle East. Approval for another year leave of absence from my district assures my option to walk back into my job, house, car, and American life that I put on hold come September 2013. Wise people along the way have made statements to me such as “in Israel people are difficult just for the sake of being difficult” and “you need to know why you are here.” These statements made in passing have begun to haunt me especially last week.

I found myself sick with a vicious flu-like bug (perhaps because the temperature in my house is often colder than the temperature outside due to heat deflecting architecture) contemplating whether to be bothered to get my “doctor's note” or just use one of my two free yearly passes. After choosing the free pass, I dragged myself out of bed the following day in the rain to take my crowded bus commute to work. To the job that pays 1/3 of my American salary! At that exact moment, the words repeated themselves in my head, “why are you here?” Thankfully, as the rain dried up and my health returned I was able to remind myself of the reasons that I am here. I came to Israel because I needed to escape the automatic pilot setting my life was being run by. I really want to learn Hebrew. I really would like to meet an interesting Jewish guy to consider building a future with. I really want to find meaning beyond what “the American Dream” offers. Automatic as my life was in America, it sure was a lot easier than life in Israel. Any American here will echo my sentiment, yet each year plenty of us choose to attempt life in the Holyland. Many of us quickly choose to return to the comforts of Target, nice vehicles, spacious/closet-equipped dwellings, healthy salaries, the US dollar, customer -oriented service, dishwashers, driers, gas stoves, drive thrus, English, Trader Joes, bulk purchasing, hard working ethics, written employment contracts, the King Spa etc. Those of us who make it here need to find a way to channel our inner warrior. To remind myself that I can make it here, I decided to gather inner strength by watching “Xena, the Warrior Princess” and repeat the matra “whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger.”

Four more months until I am reunited with family, friends, house, car, the King Spa, and the collection of reasonably priced belongings that will make the final cut back to Israel. If all goes as planned, I will be taking steps to officially become a citizen of this country (maintaining dual citizenship of course). Why? I can only explain with Devorah's metaphor that living in Israel is like having an affair with a really hot but slightly abusive lover.

Just a collection of cultural observations. You know you're in Israel/Israeli when:

-The Ministry of Interior is allowed to officially lie about where your file is for months.

-You're told your work visa application is “at the police department” for months until you go into another office and it's processed on the spot.

-When you feel like you've been microchipped and the country is tracking your grocery purchasing, bus rides, time in and out of the office, yoga classes, gas purchasing, bank and telephone transactions etc. You know you are “on the grid” at all times.

-You're practically asked to donate an organ before signing a rental lease

-Magenta is a tint option at the beauty salon.

-You develop excellent Tetris skill each time you open the refrigerator (they are miniature)

-Tenants travel with their appliances and closets (yes, I said closets).

-Placement of electrical outlets causes your apartment to look like a bowl of spaghetti.

-People you just meet offer to help you in ways that make you skeptical of their sincerity just to realize they are just “looking out for you.”

-Apartments come standard with roaches and poor plumbing.

-People look at you in a strange way and ask “why did you come here?”

-You can wear a light jacket and walk barefoot outside while the marble and concrete freezes you while indoors.

-In the winter months, there is a good chance your ceiling might leak and peel.

-You have to predict your warm showers and turn on the water boiler 20 minutes ahead of time.

-Within seconds of hearing an American speak Hebrew, over 50% of people can respond back in excellent English.

-Generations of cats live in dumpsters and you learn to distinguish the difference between cat brawls and baby cries.

-You spend what feels like an obscene amount of money on the most random items (toiletrees, ziplock baggies etc.).

-You dry all of your laundry outdoors and learn to live with crunchy towels.

-An 18 year old female boarding the bus in army fatigues and machine gun is just as likely as one boarding in religious attire covered from wrists to ankles.

-People prepare for professional meetings with yummy homemade dishes, European kisses, and constant cell phone interruptions.

-You have a 50/50 chance of connecting with an English speaker after pressing “4” for English.

-You can sail on the Mediterranean in January.

-You can hike in the dessert upon ancient ruins.

-The social norms of yelling and arguing make the whole country resemble a Jerry Springer episode.

-After earning an MD or PhD, you may still be earning minimum wage.

-The response to why straight men dominate the salon industry is “so we can have an excuse to be close to women all day”

-When professionals need to give their employer a “sick note” from the doctor for missing work
-People often travel with public transportation and grocery rollers to grocery shop.